Sex after childbirth - let’s talk about it

12 July

I trust I have your attention now.

First and most importantly, there is absolutely NO rush to return to sex. It is not a race. The 6 week check up is not the finish line for you needing to be ready. Not at all. The only one who can determine when you are ready, is you. Common questions asked anonymously among mums groups on facebook are about sex. Specifically postpartum sex. Why? Because at our 6 week check up, we’re not actually told what to expect, or what’s normal, or anything at all beyond what form of birth control you should be on. So of course, when we’re given the “all clear” at 6 weeks, we assume we’re all good to go. We might not be though. Sure, there are some mums who are totally fine at that check up or sometimes even earlier. And that’s the thing. Everyones healing journey is completely different. So of course not every mum leaves and drives home and immediately jumps her partners bones - although that is precisely what her partner is imaging happening. insert eye roll

Here’s why you might not be ready for sex 6 weeks after birth, and it’s absolutely OKAY!

Sleep deprivation
Touched out
Sensory overload
Internal recovery - maybe you’ve had a tear, scar tissue can be very painful
Birth trauma - I go deeper into this below
Belly birth - major surgery! This requires time to heal.
Partner resentment
Loss of identity
Fear of what sex would be like
Loss of libido - more on that below
Baby not sleeping, or anxious baby would wake up

Your sex life and recovery timeline cannot, and should not, be compared to anybody else's. go at your own pace. Gentle, loving touch and so much patience is needed. Couples can really struggle with this aspect of postpartum. Keep communicating with each other and keep taking baby steps together. Your first penetrative sex after birth will hurt. It will feel uncomfortable. But this will ease. If it doesn't, or it there is excessive bleeding or pain, contact your GP.

Communication

The most important part of getting back into sex after birth, is having an open and honest line of communication between you and your partner. Let them know how you feel. If you're not ready, let them know. If they seem annoyed or grumpy, don't take it personally. They don't, and won't, understand why you don't feel ready. They weren't the ones torn open! It is a time of patience and practise. You will get back into it, but it might look slightly different and might take some time. Discuss your needs. If you feel you're ready to try, and at any point it becomes painful or you change your mind, speak up! Don't push through it. Wait and try again another day. Don't jump straight to penetrative sex. Ease yourself back into it. Foreplay is your best friend! Start with fingers only, then work your way up. Use toys, find new ways to enjoy pleasure without insertion.

Loss of libido

Many women experience partial, or total loss of libido. This is normal! Your body body has been through ALOT! Between breastfeeding, caring for a newborn, tending to the home, keeping up relationships, remembering to eat, and heal your body, sex is probably the last thing on your mind! Sex requires energy. It requires time to get in the mood. So your partners going to have to put in some extra time here. If you feel like you're really not yourself, or struggling with just how much you've lost interest in intimacy, it could be time to get your hormones checked. Often, we are so depleted after birth, we don't realise it's our hormones! Start there.

Sex after birth trauma, PTSD

Birth is beautiful, but it cannot be planned. It cannot be predicted. Neither can how your first time having sex is going to go post baby. Often, if you have had a traumatic birth, or you have had trauma in the past, it will come up in the bedroom. I'm not saying this to scare you. The opposite. I need you to know that if it does happen, you are not alone, you are not broken and you can work through this. But not on your own. Processing and healing trauma should be done with the help of a qualified therapist/counsellor who specialises in birth trauma.