A letter to the maiden about becoming a mother. Includes FREE POSTPARTUM WORKBOOK
As someone who hasn’t had a child before, you have a super vague idea on what having a baby is like. You may have friends or family with babies or you’ve seen the journeys shared publicly on social media. The cute baby photos, the updates on how little babies sleep, how much they cry and probably how tired mum is. But you don’t really know much about it. Not really. so naturally, you go into birth not knowing what to expect about life with a newborn. You go into it knowing even less about what to expect from becoming a mother. This is what I wish I knew. Beyond what cot to buy, how to swaddle and where to buy the cutest baby clothes. The stuff I wish I knew has very little to do with the actual baby, and way more to do with ME and how to navigate life after birth.
I find myself having beautiful chats with mums to be lately, and I feel like I’m repeating the same thing over and over, but it’s important, and I genuinely think every single women, regardless of how many times she’s birthed, needs to hear these words. So I’ve decided to write them here, in the hope that whoever needs to read these words, will find them.
So, to the mum holding that bump and wondering what life is going to be like, here’s what I wish I was told.
You are going to be flooded with advice. So much of it. Sometimes that becomes overwhelming, and you begin to doubt yourself before babys even here. But here’s the thing. Nobody walking this planet knows your baby better than you do. Nope. Not your OB, your midwives or the 1048948 randoms from social media. Only you. This doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, patience and space from the world to focus. Focus on their cues, their facial expressions, how their body reacts. You don’t bump into a stranger on the street and suddenly, within minutes, know everything about them, do you? Your baby is new. Let them show you what the want. How they like to be soothed and swaddled. How they like to sleep (usually on you, by the way).
It has taken 9 months to grow your baby, birth is an emotional and physical marathon like you’ve never experienced. Healing will take even longer. There is no bouncing back. You are not the women you were before birth, the maiden. You are now the mother. You are brand new. You might not recognise your reflection, and that might cause some negative feelings towards yourself. That’s normal. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. I absolutely encourage you to learn about matrescence. Once I realised there was a reason why I felt the way I did, and that it was normal, and I wasn’t alone, I felt this instant sense of relief. I wish I knew about this term before I had my first baby. My gosh the difference it would have made!
Your healing journey will take at least 12 months. Make sure you visit a womens pelvic floor physio, this is important. It’s not something spoken about openly, but after birth there can often be issues with leakage or damage from our marathon. Please, please, don’t leave this. If you are concerned, see somebody!
You are more important now, than you have ever been before. You have just become somebodies entire world. The one reason they are alive. How insane is that? You BUILT a human and then birthed them! Now they rely on you for their survival. You matter. So much. Take care of your health, even if it seems impossible to find 5 minutes to eat, make the time. Set alarms if you must. The way I remembered to eat in those early weeks was to put baby down and immediately go to the fridge for water and food. Then if baby only took a fun 20 minute nap, I had at least eaten..
Google almost always hits you with the most dramatic outcome (so try to avoid those 2am googles, okay?). Facebook groups are often just as bad, so be cautious with these. For free information on all things tiny humans, I love the instagram account @tinyheartseducation
The first 12 months after baby is (in my opinion) the hardest on your relationship. Without prior communication about boundaries, roles and expectations, you will fight. Heck, even with a fully prepared partnership, you’ll fight! Or bicker, is the more appropriate term. You’ll be running on little sleep, you’re more exhausted than you’ve ever thought possible. Your body is sore, you’re adjusting to your baby, and then there’s your relationship. It gets thrust on the back burner and you forget it’s there for a minute. But if you remember one thing, let it be this: You, your baby and your partner are ALL new. You haven’t done this before. You are a team. Learn together, grow together. Keep your communication open and honest. Check in with each other each night. Make time to cuddle, chat and reconnect once baby is asleep. Often partners hold all their feelings in, because they feel like they can’t say they’re struggling. Make it known that they can. You both can. Openly talk about how you’re coping. If one of you isn’t, discuss how to get them help. Make time once a month for date night. You were a couple before baby, and after baby it takes work to nurture that.
Breastfeeding - oofff this could be a long one, but to keep it short. Breastfeeding isn’t always easy. Sometimes there’s latch issues, maybe your milk takes a bit longer to come in, or maybe it’s so painful you choose it’s not for you. Whatever decision you make, needs to be yours, and yours alone. If you can, take a breastfeeding course before baby gets here, so you’re across the positions and latch techniques before birth. It will help a lot. If you are struggling to feed, call in a lactation consultant (IBCLC).
Don’t let anyone pressure you into something that doesn’t feel right for you. It might be about how you feed your baby or it might be about how they sit in their car seat. Your baby, your decision. Nobody elses!
Trust your intuition. Above all else. A mothers instincts are never, ever wrong. We have this crazy ability to just know. Deep in our bones, we know. So at any time you find yourself doubting, find somewhere quiet, and simply ask yourself, what is the correct decision? Chances are you already know. You can feel it. Trust that. Follow it.
Fill your freezer!! Educate yourself and your family members on postpartum healing foods and make sure you have your freezer stocked with them.
Boundaries boundaries boundaries! I cannot stress how important these are. Protect your energy. It’s okay to say no.
Ask for help - this is hard at first, but do it anyway. Postpartum is a time you need a village. Truly. If you’re not sure how to get that,
I have a free resource to help you identify your boundaries, ask for help and assemble your support team. You can find that below.
Everyone puts so much pressure on new mums these days, and that makes me sad. If there is any time to slow down, block out the world and just be, it’s your fourth trimester. Take those first three months to rest, nourish your body and ease yourself and your baby into the outside world. They will never be this little again. And while the days are tough and the nights are lonely, they do pass. In the moment time seems eternal, but once you’re out of the fog, you realise it isn’t. Society loves to fill new mums with information overload which often leads to anxiety and the constant self doubt circle. But i’m here to remind you to pause. To block out the noise and focus on you.
Find what works for you and your baby, and do that until it doesn’t. Motherhood is the hardest job that brings the most insanely deep love you will ever know. Take one day at a time. You don’t have to have everything figured out. In fact, no mother does. And if they say they do, they’re lying.
If you are looking for support in your postpartum, let’s chat! I’m here for you, without judgement. I offer virtual and in home support in Perth. You will also find a heap of books, podcasts and social accounts I recommend over in my resources page.
Go easy into your postpartum
Alysha x
