Going from one child to two - the first year

When you have your first baby, you have NO clue what to expect. It’s all completely new. This newborn business. Both the baby and the mum are stumbling together through those first few months, until they find their groove.

But second time mums? I feel like the assumption is, “well, she’s had one, she’s all good. She’s got this.” Not the case friends. In my humblest of opinions, second time mums need MORE support, MORE check ins. Why I hear you ask through the screen? Let’s explore the first year of going from one human to two, and see if you’re still unsure at the end.

I’m about to speak purely from personal experience and conversations I’ve had with second time mums - so don’t come for me if this doesn’t speak to you. If you read this and think “It’s not that hard, my life doesn’t look like that”, AMAZING! But for a lot of mums, this is their life, and that’s who I’m speaking to.

Okay, let’s continue. I’ll start from the beginning.

Pregnancy:

Morning (all day) sickness - Vomiting is usually done with a toddler standing beside you. My son would stroke my back, this was the only cute part of all day sickness. Aside from that, I had to work out how to survive while all my toddler wanted to do was what he usually did (of course, because he has no idea what’s happening). So he wanted to run, jump, tickle fight, go to the playground, do all the usual toddler things. But me? My body wanted to curl up in a ball and not be touched or moved. Most days I would lie half alive on the couch while my toddler did basically whatever he wanted to..

Then it got tricky. My daughter tried to make an exit at 23 weeks. I was put on medication to keep her in. But how did that change my pregnancy? They told me I had to rest (LOL) and I couldn’t lift anything heavier than a 1L milk bottle. Do you know how much a toddler weighs? Yeah.. they’re heavier than that. So who was supposed to lift my toddler in and out of his cot, the car, the bath? What was I supposed to tell him when he screamed to be picked up, because yesterday that was totally cool? From going through this, I learnt a few things to help you begin to transition your toddler during pregnancy, for life after birth

Those last few weeks of pregnancy second time round are rough. With your first, this is when you’re usually on maternity leave. You can day nap and hit the couch when things get too heavy. Second time round? Nope. Remember that toddler in the house? You need to play, feed, bath and put it to bed. All while being heavy, sore and exhausted. My spine, shoulders and feet hurt like nobodies business.

Birth:

My first birth, the only things I needed to consider where what to pack for me, baby and husband. We didn’t have to tell anybody I was in labour. Second time? My mind raced trying to think of what happens with my toddler when I go into labour. Who watches him? Where do they watch him? What do they need to know? What do I need to get ready for them, to help him? How do I explain his routine? Can they take him in their car, do they have a car seat? Do I trust them? We need two back ups incase the first one isn’t answering their phone. What about our hospital stay, if needed. What happens to them during that? Can he visit us at hospital? How do we introduce him to baby? how do we make sure he knows how loved he is, even thought there’s a new person in our life? All. Of. The. Things.

There were SO many variables to consider. It was stressful!

Postpartum:

My experience was a great one, but I absolutely acknowledge that if you’ve had a belly birth or a traumatic birth, recovery is rough. You have a broken body needing to be nourished and rested, but you also have a very active, heavy and emotional toddler that needs you. Your world can’t stop if you don’t have support. You can’t rest like you did with baby one. It’s just not that easy with two.

My first week with two was actually pure bliss. My daughters birth was fast, wild but SO much better than my sons. She was born at 2:30am and we were back home on the couch with breakfast by 9am. My mum had my son until 3pm, so we got some solo time to unpack her birth and cuddle the crap out of her. The newborn part was easy, my brain somehow remembered all the baby things and since my body felt great, I didn’t struggle much beyond the after birth pains (which with number two are cray). What I struggled with in those early postpartum days with two, was actually my toddler. I worried so much about him. My husband was home and the days were slow. Visitors were something I realised were an issue, again, with my toddler. Everyone is so quick to brush past the toddler, to grab the baby. I hated this. So my husband and I put a stop to it, in a way that put our toddler back to the front, where he had always been!

The weeks passed, visitors thinned out, and then my husband went back to work. THAT’S when postpartum with two gets real. The juggle. Figuring out how to carry two kids, feed them, play with them, bath them, handle witching hour and then night shift solo (for me, my husband worked nights, so it was just lil’ ol’ me). Talk to any seasoned mum about how she copes with a rough day and a rough bedtime battle with a toddler and baby and she’ll probably say “you cry a lot. Eat stress snacks or drink wine”. And it’s true. The amount of nights that ended with me rage crying into my ice cream, I hand on heart can’t count.

I eventually figured out how to handle two, but there are days that still get me. If you have baby number two when your first born is around the age of 2, you not only have a newborn, you also have a toddler heading towards threenager zone. For me, 2.5 years was when shit hit the fan with my son. I finally knew what they meant by “terrible twos” (which I don’t actually agree with, but that’s another blog). I was juggling sleep regressions, teething and growing pains with the baby, and at my legs were the full blown emotions hurdling out of my toddler, who was very much still processing his sisters arrival. They call them big emotions for a reason. They. Are. BIG. You’re tried as fuck, your support network thinks you’re fine because you’ve done it before, so they don’t really check in, and if you don’t have friends who have toddlers, or have been through the toddler stage, you don’t have anyone who gets what you’re feeling. And much like a first time mum, you’re back to feeling isolated in your experience. Toddlers man. They’re hilarious little emotional rollercoasters. Learning how to handle my toddlers emotions and changes, was so challenging. I wish I had been warned, or at least given a heads up of what might come my way. Two huge life changes, for both myself and my toddler. Your relationship with your partner also shifts, again. Two kids is a heavier load, it’s a divide and conquer situation most of the time. Your more sleep deprived, there’s more financial pressure, there’s less time. You have to really work to keep that communication open and honest. Adjusting to the new needs of your toddler, a newborn and you as a reborn mother for the second time, is all consuming. You don’t get time for yourself unless you plan ahead and the stars align. You have to put yourself first. As hard as that is with two, find time. Take that shower before the kids are awake, have that coffee while they’re playing and happy for a minute. ASK for help with the cooking and cleaning. And if you have a trusted helper, ask for a day to yourself, no kids. It’s so, so important to look after yourself. I’m still struggling with this, one year on. I know the kids aren’t this little forever, and they will eventually be in school, but for now, we need to recognise that we, as mums, need support. It takes time to adjust, and telling us “enjoy every moment, it goes so quick” is not bloody helpful.

The first year with two - reflection:

Everything is a logistical challenge with two. Getting them both to swimming lessons, play groups, daycare. Coping with the germs that come home from daycare from your toddler and rip through the house for WEEKS. Motherhood the second time round, for me, has been emotionally and physically exhausting. They say that kids are your biggest teachers, and they’re right. My toddlers teaching me patience, self regulation, breathing techniques and the meaning of rupture and repair. He’s showing me what I need to work on within myself. Then there’s my baby girl. She’s reminding me to stop for a moment, because the second one grows infinitely faster (FYI). She’s teaching me not to stress about the little things, to go with the flow more, to surrender to whatever emotions the day holds for everyone.

You go through periods of grieving the time you don’t get with baby two, because it’s not just you and them, like it was with your first. There’s no lazy couch days, no calm, quiet play for tummy time. It’s loud and chaotic. It’s repeating “don’t be rough” to your toddler 10393930 times a day. It’s sensory overload. Nobody warns you just how much the sounds of your toddler AND baby screaming all day will wear you down mentally. You plead for an escape, just to simply sit, in silence, and breathe. But then you watch your toddler and your baby playing together. You watch as your babys face lights up at the sight of their big brother/sister. The way your toddler can make your baby laugh like nobody else. They adore each other, and that’s all that matters. Those two, beautifully hard work humans you made. The reason you can’t sit down and the reason you know how much a heart can expand. Is the first year with two easy? No, it’s not. But you get better at the juggle. Threenagers are rough. They’re also hilarious, naughty and pure joy (when they’re not punching, biting or yelling at you, of course). You enter motherhood the second time around with so much more ease and calm. My second postpartum truly was blissful. If you’ve read this far, my intention wasn’t to scare you about having two. I just want to let you know that it’s hard, and there will be days where you look for the exit door. But there’s also days of pure, pure joy. If this part of motherhood was spoken about more openly, mums might feel safe enough to share how they’re feeling, without fear of judgement from mums who appear to be so put together. I assure you, their toddlers are dicks, and they’re lying for instagram. Remember that.

If you need emotional support after a rough day with two, or to talk out any fears you may have about going from one to two, my inbox is always open!

Go gently, and with patience. Everyone is new. everyone is learning. If you need help, or want to be as prepared as possible for this new chapter, I’ve written an ebook just for you! Grab your copy below

You’ve got this. I’m cheering you on from here.

Alysha x